His voice was heavy, panicked. I barely had time to say hello.
“PUT MOM ON THE PHONE!” my teenage brother’s voice boomed through the earpiece.
I quickly obeyed and handed the phone over to the driver’s seat.
My mom’s eyes widened, “Well kill it!” she boomed back, “BE A MAN!”
(TIME-OUT: Before I continue with this story, you need to understand something very important about my brother, Jordan, who was 16 at the time. The term “athletic” is an understatement. Actually, the terms “oober self-confident, super-studly, over-achieving jock” are an understatement. We’re talking man-child who can squat twice his body weight, lead his team to four state-cup soccer championships, and kick a 60-yard field goal. There has to be something pretty major to get him riled up. )
From that point on in the story, I caught only bits and pieces of their fifteen-minute conversation. The following is a recounting of both their tales.
(Oh, and one more thing. My mom hates spiders. Ok, we can continue now…..)
“But mom, I’ve never seen a spider like this before! It has yellow stripes and it’s as big as a BASEBALL!! It’s so big it not only has legs, it has FEET!”
“YES IT HAS FEET!”?
“Just kill it!! Get a shoe and smush it!”
“No way am I gonna get close enough to do that!!”
“Just be a man!!”
“….BASEBALL, mom! Big as a BASEBALL!”
Siggghhhhh, “Where is it?”
“In the bathtub.”
“Well go into the kitchen, get some of that yellow cleaner from underneath the sink and spray it. It’ll make it easier to kill.”
“I CAN’T DO THAT!”
“What if it leaves while I’m gone!???!!!”
Silence. More silence
“What are you doing Jordan?”
“Kill it Jordan.”
“How long till you get home, mom?”
“I think I can watch it til you get back.”
“Kill it, and I’ll get you whatever you want from Burger King.”
The sound of rummaging, bottles clanking. “NO YELLOW MOM! There’s NO YELLOW!!”
“Jordan, just grab something! Anything!”
Very, very desperate rummaging and clanking. “I CAN’T FIND IT!!!!”
The pound of sprinting feet hitting the floor.
Heavy breathing…. “It’s still there.”
“Kill it Jordan.”
“I’m gonna prove it to you. I’m gonna take a picture of it with my phone and send it to Brooke!”
“Then will you kill it?!”
He hangs up the phone. 30 seconds pass. The phone rings again.
“Did you send the picture to Brooke?”
“No….I couldn’t get close enough to get a good shot.”
“So….does that mean you didn’t kill it?”
“Taco Bell. I want Taco Bell.”
“It’s so big it will SQUISH EVERYWHERE!”
“If you kill it. I will clean it up.”
In his best businessman voice-“Ok, Mr. Spider, I am going to give you “Spider options.” Option A-I smother you to smithereens. Option B-You commit suicide right now. Option C-You disappear and never come back…I’m going to give you fifteen seconds to commit suicide.”
Fifteen seconds passes.
“Ok, just kidding, fifteen minutes!”
I put out my hand and demanded the phone.
“Hey buddy, you can DO THIS!”
“Brooke…it’s as big as a BASEBALL!”
“I believe you. You can DO IT!”
“I’m standing here….looking at it right now…and it’s as BIG AS A BASEBALL!”
“Jordan….kill the spider.”
There was a dramatic pause, followed by an intense rustling and a WHACK!
..Tune in to my next post for the exciting and dramatic conclusion to this unexpected event in the life of the Butler family. I promise, you will find an edifying spiritual application in this seemingly ridiculous tale. You will never look at spiders the same way again!
…But I guess this means you’ll have to read it to find out….;)
For Part Two of this post, please follow this link.